When Women Don’t Like Other Women

       This provocative topic was prompted by a comment made at a women’s evening event,  how  it’s not uncommon for women to say they don’t like women’s groups or won’t join them.  Why is this so?  There must be something to it, and I’ve heard it before.

      I see this same thing when I teach kindergarteners….the very worst offense to them  is they come up to me, crying, and tell me that someone said she won’t be my friend!  They are crushed.   I’ve even heard my adult daughters say, mom, I just can’t make friends with other girls. 

     So, what is this issue that prevents women from not liking or connecting with other women?  I’m no psychologist, but I have a few theories.   Sometimes it can be based on prior experiences…if we’ve had negative experiences in the past, we’re probably going to reject new opportunities, unfortunately.  In other words, we’ve got some baggage.  Did we have a female “friend” or friends who were critical?  Some women can be competitive, jealous, backstab us, gossip about us, ignore us, reject us, hurt us. Sorry, ladies.

     Sometimes it’s just as simple as personality differences.  Not just individual personalities, but have you ever noticed that certain groups have “personalities,” too?   I definitely felt this way when I belonged to a women’s charitable organization, and I quickly realized these women’s economic and social positions were high class, and I just couldn’t relate to them.  However, our own personalities sometimes get in our way, right?  If we tend to be shy, quieter, more insecure, let’s face it, it’s going to take more effort to feel comfortable in new social settings.  I’ve also gone to new groups, where no one greets you…now, to me, that’s just plain bad manners!  I’ve learned to awkwardly go introduce myself to someone in those situations. 

     Maybe it’s how we’re raised.  I was the only girl, with three brothers.  I grew up tomboyish, and my mom wasn’t into girly-girl things.  I’ve just never gotten into shopping, and make-up, and jewelry, and don’t do girly things.  Maybe we didn’t connect as much with our moms growing up, or didn’t rely on a female role model.  Maybe we only had that one best female friend, or were very independent, so groups didn’t matter. 

    What I have seen in women’s groups that “click”:  acceptance, inclusion, compassion, commonality, authenticity, encouragement, effort, self-disclosure, humor.   This “magic” can’t be forced or faked, but it can be developed.  When it happens, it becomes a safe space for everyone.

     As Christian women, how can our groups become a safe space for other women?  We connect when we feel safe and trust the people we’re among.  We already have the commonality of our beliefs.  That’s a good start.  If we’re not a “joiner,” can we try again?  If we’re in a group, can we be more inclusive of that new person?  We can mind our manners, respect our differences, and become women who like other women.