When Life Feels Undone

There is beauty in vulnerability and so here goes nothing. It has been heavy on my heart lately that women, mamas especially, need to take a stand for honesty and transparency or we will continue to live in a place of insecurity and shame.

The other day, I was sitting in a room full of people thinking about the last time I may or may not have washed my hair and found myself wishing I was in something cuter than an oversized black shirt. Daydreaming of the days I came alive in large groups of people and was well-groomed, well-dressed, and dared to wear bright colors instead of standardized colors and safe patterns. Looking around and seeing all of the women who looked like they had it together. Contemplating if I just were more disciplined or more organized or more intentional, if I too could have beautiful curled hair, kids that actually wear what I have picked out, and a car that didn’t smell like spilled milk. I think we need to start a conversation that doesn’t worry so much about throwing a pity party or looking ungrateful and focuses on dealing with real emotions, just as we teach our toddlers, and turning them into a victory dance. But in order to move forward in the freedom of who we were born to be, we have to be honest about the places we feel are lacking.

As a stay at home mama, our job is never done. No set time to clock out and we are on duty 24/7 365 days a year. As a matter of fact, everything always feels undone. Always more tasks to be completed and more needs to be met. Constant stimulation followed by feelings of complete isolation.  I remember my days as a babysitter seeing empty diaper bags with crumbs, left sock, and random items and thinking why in the world does this bag have NOTHING useful in it? I mean how hard is it to load up some snacks, diapers, and an extra sippy? The answer is, it’s actually really hard. Because we are being torn in a million directions and the truth is, we are more concerned with making sure all children are accounted for and said children have matching shoes on their little feet than the makings of our diaper bag.
So this feeling of undone. Of not enough. Of hot mess mama. Of half empty diaper bags and spilled milk. Where do we fit in and how do we thrive? We thrive by being honest with the struggle. The greasy hair. The sleepless nights. The struggle for sanity. Maybe I’m not the only one. You know, the only one who wakes up each day with new mercies ready to teach and love, only to yell and overreact at the first mis-step. The only one who wishes that I could just shower in peace for once. The only one whose car is covered in half eaten waffles, toys, dirty clothes, mismatched gadgets from around the house to keep the baby occupied in long car rides, and empty sippy cups. The only one who locks herself in her room just to breathe and get a minute by herself. The only one who wonders if her three year old will ever poop in a potty or if he is doomed to poop his pants all his days. The only one who bribes her children with cookies and a show just to get some needed alone time. The only one who lashes out on her hardworking husband because the emotional load of taking care of little people and balancing all the other hats we wear is heavy at times.

Am I the only one mamas? I bet if I were able to hear the thoughts of that perfectly curled hair mama, they too would be those of insecurities and uncertainty of her role as mom. I bet you she too feels like at times she isn’t enough and like there’s always more to be done. We all have different stories, but I think if we dug a little deeper we would see that the struggles are pretty universal.

So instead of trying to balance these raw feelings with an equal amount of positive traits about motherhood, I am going to leave it at this. If you are a mama, you know that there is no greater privilege or calling than being a mama. There is NO place you would rather be, but that doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t mean we need to mask those feelings of inadequacy and guilt and soldier on without the assurance that you aren’t alone.

So, soak in the truth that you are not alone. If being a mama feels hard, it’s not what you’re doing wrong, it’s because you are doing it right and it IS hard. It’s hard to balance self care and chores and little ones emotions, but maybe we weren’t made to carry the burden of this balance. Because most of the time things don’t feel perfectly balanced, and I think there’s a season for crazy. For the undone. Instead of striving for more structure, maybe we should stop and rest in the arms of grace. Grace from the savior and grace that can flow through us to fellow mamas. Grace to struggle out loud and to be stronger because of it. To recognize the struggles and be able to move forward with that strength and dignity that feels so far fetched most days. It isn’t about our strength mamas, It’s about His work within us and letting go of the reigns. Letting His lights fill our hearts and slowly but surely seeing the fruit of the spirit in those moments of frustrations as he begins to weave in us the hope of a future of balance and bubble baths. Hope to keep pouring our hearts out and dealing with anger and resentment so that we can be the woman, wife, friend, and moms we were crafted to be.

It’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to feel like you don’t have it all together. You are perfectly imperfect as you are mama, and so am I. Breathe in the fact that you know that at least one other mama is in your corner and rooting for you. You can keep going. You can take off that mask. Come out into the light and be free. Freedom is waiting for to set your heart free of the pressure to fit into an image that was self crafted in your head and from the voices of his world and is NOT that of the Father.

You are enough and if you feel like a hot mess mama, know that you’re in good company and you’re always welcome here 🙂

Mollie Hanson