Breaking Free from Fear

1 John 4:18-19 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

Fear is amazing its captivating and paralyzing it is what stops us from feeling the complete joy of God’s presence and causes us to build idols that serve the purpose of not facing that fear.

I have discovered that in my life I made idols to stop the fear that resides deep within, it’s a child-like fear that can control and confuse it has no purpose but to break me down and paralyze me. But from an early age I discovered that I could control this feeling, I made idols not even realizing this, my father was my first idol that I recall, he was the one I searched for approval and favor. My next idol became food and binging and purging or starving myself, I had this mentality that if I had enough food I would be okay, if my father approved of me I would be okay if I stayed out of intimate relationships I would be okay. But of course I was not.

Fast forward to my 20’s I found Jesus and recovery from eating disorders and at the age of 30 met my amazing husband Allen. We met and married very quickly because we knew it was God. I felt no fear about marrying him none what so ever and this peace came upon me, I could not imagine my life without him.

Fear is amazing though; it resides in the deepest parts of our hearts and creeps out as insecurity, paranoia and confusion. Inside me the fear still existed, yes I had Jesus, and I loved the holy spirit and my life, but that part of me that was fearful, insecure and afraid, that child-like fear caused me to make my husband my idol. Now that sure is a lot of pressure on a guy. Now that I look back I can see that it was a symbiotic kind of transitioning into a codependent type of relationship. The thoughts in my head would be, Allen will take care of that. Now many would say that’s just a wife trusting her husband, and it was but it also was not.

How about I say it’s okay, because God says, do not worry, or be still and know that I am God. I had guilt for being a stay at home mom, ridiculous I know but still that was my truth I lived.

We lived very happy for a long time, but suddenly I began to notice little unraveling until the explosion occurred and God showed me that I had made my husband more than any man could possibly be because deep inside I feared he did not love who I was.

God said fill your heart with me, pray for your husband and trust me. This all seems simple as Christians we always say that, but the question arises, can God fill that space completely? I believe yes and know he knows the hairs on my head and the fear in my heart, but he is my first love and now he has called me back to that lovely place where the child-like fear is comforted and the guilt and shame washed away. He has multiplied the deep love for my husband so much I cannot believe the depth and guess what, I am not afraid fear has no power, yes I feel it but I quickly put it in its place with my first love, Jesus.

Denise Hsu