Peeling Away

I have been exploring my internal world. Because of my childhood experience it’s necessary for me to do that periodically.

The Lord has been very kind in slowly peeling away my protective core -ever so gently- like a sticker solidly stuck to glass.

As a child the love I received was intermittent-inconsistent at best. I became so wary of the love I received or wanted, that as a protection, my brain began shutting off the receiving of love because the pain and fear of rejection was too much.

Receiving love is something that can cause anxiety for me- it feels uncomfortable. For so many years I have felt this underlying anxiety. I had no idea this rejection of love was so innate and natural to me- so second nature- like a part of my skin.

It’s been hard to recognize when I am rejecting love because it’s a natural defense- I don’t think about it.

Slowly the Lord is helping me connect the pieces.

It always surprises me that even after all these years of faith, all these years of therapy and self reflection, the Lord can still go deeper. Like a surgeon, he delicately uncovers my darkness and ray by ray the light shines through. I appreciate his gentle movement.

I appreciate his love. Now I want to receive more of it.

“The Lord will lead you into the land, he will always be with you and help you, so don’t ever be afraid of your enemies.”
Deut 31:8