I am a person who avoids conflict because it frightens me. When there is conflict in my home I am looking for cover. My parents would argue a lot. Their parents did not know how to handle conflict well either. I became a people pleaser as a way to avoid conflict.
Recently, I began a new job where dealing with conflict is a regular requirement. I knew this when I applied for the job but I sensed that this was something the Lord wanted me to face. I then asked the Lord to change me and change how I deal with conflict. Actually my prayer was more like “Oh God help!”
When I am working the temptation is always there to let someone else handle the “angry” people…situations with people who have problems with our school or with their own lives and are just taking this out on anyone they happen to be around. However I am no longer allowed to run away, usually I am standing right in front of the person and I have to take care of their problem on my own.
Through this difficult experience God is teaching me to see some very important things about conflict, myself, and other people. Here is what I’ve learned so far:
- God tells us “Do not be afraid” over and over in His word. Refusing to deal with conflict out of fear is actually disobedience. I want to obey the Lord in all things because He deserves it!
- I don’t understand other people’s feelings like I thought I did…thinking that I have all the answers is pride and “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” James 4:6NLT.
- Remaining calm in any situation is possible when I rely on Jesus. He helps me when I seek him regularly in prayer and studying the Bible.
- “I will ask the Father and He will give you another advocate who will never leave you” John 14:16 NLT. Jesus is speaking here and the advocate is the Holy Spirit who is with me always! This is Jesus’ promise to each one of us as His people. Jesus keeps his promises!
- Developing new ways of responding to conflict is difficult. There are days when I wonder, ok Lord do I have to deal with this now or can I get a break!? There isn’t a “set in stone” way of dealing with each person or problem either.
I have also noticed that God placed some people at my workplace who are better at conflict resolution than I am. As I humble myself to learn from them, God continues to bless me with more and more grace to handle whatever comes my way in the form of conflict!
When I stop to think about how fearful I once was, I am amazed at the progress made in this area! God is so good.
I pray that you will be encouraged by my story to allow the Lord to help you break free from fear of conflict. It may not be easy, but saying yes to God is always worth it!
Linda Hopkins
Good insight Linda. Thanks.
Wow! Your comment that avoiding conflict is disobedience hit me hard. It’s the truth. All through Jesus’ life there was conflict and He never ran away from it or backed down and became a people pleaser. Thanks for sharing how to handle conflict by listening to the Holy Spirit and speaking words of love and following as He leads. My prayer needs to be ” God, I feel like backing down or avoiding this argument but please show me what to do or say. ” Thanks for sharing, Linda.
Correction: Your comment was “refusing to deal with conflict out of fear is actually disobedience “. So sorry. I do not want to misinterpret what you said. Fear is the motivation to disobey although the conflict still exists. Only Jesus can help us deal with our fear & the conflict in a positive way.
So clear, so true. I am a love to avoid conflict type of person too–which by the way doesn’t work well. Your insights are very helpful. Probably not an option in your situation, but a lot of times it is good to address certain issues after the dust has settled–a sensible word or discussion on the situation said but not in the heat of the battle. I love your #2–we really don’t ever completely know what someone else is thinking or going through–& pride (ouch).
P.S. Linda–always love your posts.
I’m an avoid conflict kind of person as well..not as bad as I used to be though. When I have to be included in it (usually not by choice), I try to be the calmer one. I take a deep breath and ask God for his words. I deal with customers on the phone and it’s amazing how they can be with a phone between them..but God helps me. I was always the peacemaker growing up….I still am, but now I’m a bit more fiesty in my older age and will jump in when needed in almost any circumstance. Still growing in this department..not perfect, never will be, but I allow God to step in as well now.
This is good stuff! You are not alone, Linda – I do the “oh God help!” frequently. Your #2 resonates with me as well, right in the gut – and I think a good pairing with that is to be still, not speak or act until we can put more sensible thoughts/actions together before reacting to conflict.