What Women Need to Know About Men

     I ran into Andrea Bridges and her girlfriend at the recent Aspire Christian Women’s conference.  She invited me to sit with them, and as we chit chatted, we realized we all had in common being married for a long time (20-30 years).  We exchanged a few funny stories about being “oldyweds.” 

     One of the speakers, Shaunti Feldhahn,  gave even us oldyweds a few new tricks.  Her topic was what women need to know about men.  In fact, she wrote the book on it, based on her research.  Feldhahn said her information applies to communicating with our sons, as well. 

     Two points stuck with me.  When men are asked what they need from the women in their lives, they said they needed to be appreciated more.  They wanted to hear thank-you, more.  She quickly added this doesn’t mean men don’t want to hear “I love you,” too, of course they do.  But after that, they really thrive on appreciation. 

     Now, before any of us get our shorts in a bunch, of course women like to be appreciated, too.  Did my husband even notice his clean clothes?  Or the special dinner I made?  Or the house is actually clean?  Who doesn’t want some recognition now and then, even if it’s for routine tasks?  However, she was focusing on the men in our lives.  I came home motivated to sprinkle many more thank-yous into my conversations.  It’s such a simple concept, but I think sometimes we do take for granted those little courtesies, with the very people who deserve them the most.  

     The second take-away was to stop asking men “why?”  All these years, I just thought it was my husband who got annoyed with that simple question.  I’m just trying to understand what’s going on, either out of curiosity, or confusion.  Apparently, the why word is like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  The speaker explained that in a man’s mind, why translates to:  you don’t get that I’ve thought this thing through already, and now you’re calling me dumb.  Wow.  So when my husband hears why, he hears, are you dumb?  Well, that explains it.  Why couldn’t someone have told me this 35 years ago?  It would have saved a lot of grief.

     Feldhahn wasn’t saying we can’t ask for an explanation.  She just said reword it.   Ask in a way which doesn’t trigger that negative reaction.  Something like, “help me understand your thinking.”  Maybe the word “help” cushions the request so that husbands hear help, vs. dumb.  This one’s going to be a bit tougher for me.  I tend to be a rather no-fluff speaker:  why is one word, while help me understand your thinking is five words.  Not every economical.  In the interest of “research,” though, I’m willing to try it.

     This topic seemed in sync with the You Drive Me Crazy Series.  I was encouraged that these two practical ideas might just make us both less crazy.