Starting anew

What are you willing to die to?

I think in life we make all kinds of choices- some are small and then some can actually change the trajectory of our lives.

In preparation for Christmas at church this past Sunday the sermon was about Mary.  Part of the sermon talked about when the angel visited her and told her she was going to be impregnated by the Holy Spirit- from that moment on her life would never be the same. She agreed to do something that meant the entire trajectory of her life would change- she would be an unwed engaged teenager- in a time when it was completely unacceptable and deplorable to do so.  Without knowing what would happen Mary said yes to what God was asking her to do- that’s trust!

I started to think about my own life.  Fourteen years ago I was living a different life.  I was living with my boyfriend, doing ecstasy, smoking a lot of cigarettes and a lot of pot.  My life was completely different.  But I started to feel unsettled, I was starting to think about marriage and family and began wondering whether the life I was living was the kind of life I wanted my children to be raised in.

So I started to go to church.  It was the church my mom went to, the one I had left when I was around fourteen or fifteen.

I was still living with my boyfriend, still smoking pot, still doing ecstasy, still smoking a lot of cigarettes, still doing everything I always did, but now I began to experience God.  I’d go to church and while everyone was singing I would just sit there and cry.  I would sit there and feel overwhelming peace and comfort from all the things I was trying to run from.  I was totally undone.

As I began to strip away all of the comforts I used to hide my pain and hide my anger I was faced with that very question: What are you willing to die to?  I struggled to let things go, I had to completely leave everything I had behind- and I did.

Slowly I stopped doing the things in my life that were killing me.  For about a year I went through this process of grief and loss, and restoration and healing.  I left everything I knew to start a new life with a God I hardly knew.  But I’ll tell yah- I dove in head first to an invitation that has changed my life- saved my life probably.

Sometimes I forget just how different my life could have been. I’m feeling thankful.