Back in June I was invited to be a speaker at an event in the west valley on the subject of my latest book. The event wasn’t to take place until this past week in October. Prior to accepting the invitation, I spent a couple of days in prayer over the matter.
I felt like the Lord was leading me to accept the engagement – knowing full well that I’m not an experienced speaker. I’ve spoken a few times in public before, but honestly, I’m a writer and much more comfortable in front of a computer than a group of live, warm bodies. I’ve always been taught though as a writer never to turn down speaking opportunities. When I accepted the offer, I did so fully expecting God to equip me when the time arrived.
For the last four months I’ve looked forward to this opportunity with more dread than excitement. As the day approached – in spite of the weeks of preparation and practice rehearsing my message – I was still dreading the entire evening. Moments before I was to step in front of the crowd, I clipped on my wireless microphone. Cold beads of sweat dotted my forehead and pooled along my spine. The thoughts rolling around in my head were, “what was I thinking? I’m NOT a speaker!” Doubts surfaced that perhaps I’d mistaken God’s leading.
While I was nervous throughout my talk, I managed to survive without bursting into flames or falling face forward in a dead faint. It turned out to be a wonderfully successful evening and I managed to connect with many people. The following morning I awoke feeling as though a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders because the “dreaded presentation” was finally behind me.
It was during my quiet time with God that next morning that I began to ponder my attitude for the last few months living in that constant state of dread. My speaking event was something God impressed upon me to do. I had prayed for months before the event asking for God’s anointing and I had many others praying for my success as well. Even though I felt like I’d put my trust in God for success for the occasion, I still languished in a state of dread prior to the affair, thereby relinquishing my joy and peace for the last few months.
Carrying around the burden of all that dread for the last many months I felt like a walking advertisement for sin. I was awash with shame. Where was my faith the last few months? I know I serve a mighty God, yet I’d managed to put Him in a box and limit His power by giving into all those feelings of dread.
This experience only serves to remind me yet again that my God will never leave me or forsake me and God is way bigger than my fears and my dread. I’m so glad I serve a God who forgives me even when I’m filled with doubt and dread and loves me in spite of it.
“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NLT)
Blessings in Christ,
Kathy K.
