Morning dawns
A new day is here
Reflections
Sparkle in a pool of thought
Sometimes emotions can feel like a curse. Throughout the day there are a myriad of things that need to get done in my house- everything from shopping to bills. But when I’m feeling emotional… watch out. It’s almost like the world turns upside down and starts spinning. Simple tasks like making breakfast can somehow become near impossible, and then an hour later when the simple egg breakfast I’ve prepared is finally on the table I wonder, “What the heck was that?”
I’ve grappled with my emotional being for so long now. Most of my childhood was spent in survival mode and my teenage-hood was spent trying to manage my emotions from the outside through drugs and any other means.
Now, with two kids under the age of three and a growing baby belly I have a different perspective on emotions. I see them as signposts- when I’m irritable it’s generally because I’m hungry. Reading emotional signposts is like driving a car. The road is all of the things that go on in life. Emotions are like traffic signs: caution, yield, stop, & go. Although not the final decision by any means- emotions can be seen as a tool for helping us to understand ourselves.
As a side note- because I suppressed my emotions for so many years, when I finally stopped using drugs (and people) and began allowing myself to feel again, my emotions were really big. Sometimes they were quite unmanageable and you could find me in a pool on the closet floor at any given moment. I had so many backed up emotional signals I had ignored for so long that I had to play catch up. It was like doing double time.
I have spent years sorting out old feelings from past situations that wreak havoc on current situations that have similar emotions but are not the same situations. For example I have come to learn that I am very sensitive to feeling unheard- I feel it in the pit of my belly- it’s very uncomfortable. But I’ve learned and am learning how to manage that feeling when it comes up by understanding that sometimes my “big” feeling is not warranted for the current small situation as “big” as it may seem. I don’t ignore it by any means but I can understand that it’s not as life threatening as it feels.
As a woman I am blessed by my emotional being. I haven’t always felt that way, and sometimes in the moment I still don’t’ but upon reflection I try to remember it truly is a gift.
