Well I threw my back out the other week- very painful. I called my sister to tell her my tale of woah and instead of getting an “oh poor baby” I got scolded!
Not exactly what I was expecting.
She told me I don’t let people help me- she said I was controlling… ouch. At first I felt really defensive. I was responding slowly to her, mostly because I was thinking while she was talking. Am I?
Honestly I don’t believe I’m as controlling as she was making me out to be but she did have a point.
So I started talking about it. I talked to my close friend and I talked to my husband- they were very supportive and honest which I really appreciate. And for the entire day I was obsessing over every word I said. I was thinking ‘was what I just said controlling?’ ‘Am I being controlling now?’
The reality is my childhood was traumatic. It was very unstable. Because of the instability I developed certain behaviors to simply survive. Even though my sister was very bold in telling me she thought I was controlling I firmly believe that allowing people to speak into my life has been key to my continued healing.
I’ve been thinking about what she said, I’ve been evaluating myself, talking to my close friends, my husband, talking to God, thinking … thinking… thinking…
And so here’s the thing- I don’t want to be controlling. Not with my kids, not with my husband, friends, or family. I don’t want to be so concerned with my environment being a certain way that I can’t enjoy the people around me.
I’ve come a long long way but I don’t want to stop here, I want to continue to grow.
If you don’t have people in your life that tell you the hard things, I highly recommend finding some. It hurts and takes a lot of energy and thought to sort through but in the end they are the ones God will use as his mouth to speak to you, as his hands to comfort you, as his feet to push you!